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T-Shirt Idea

Sometime later this year I’m going to get a custom tshirt made.

It’ll be black, with white lettering, and will simply read:

NO, I’M NOT PERFECT.
NOW GET OVER IT.

I mentioned this to K, and to my cousin A, and they both seemed interested, so I think I’m going to end up getting a batch made.

Since I can’t leave it at that, here’s my reasoning…

People seem to spend all their time trying to look perfect to everyone else. Always strong, smart, funny, popular, what ever it is that people call important. I think it would be better if we all started with one simple fact… I’m NOT PERFECT. I never have been, I never will be, and therefore I do not need to pretend to be something I’m not to everyone around me. People will just have to accept me with all of my imperfections, and I will have to do the same for them.

Life is not a game. You shouldn’t get docked points for not matching up to an unreal expectation! Everyone should start with a clean slate, and everything about them should ADD to the whole, not take away.

I know there are people out there who could be good friends, lovers, role models, or teachers, but I’m not sure how to find them. Everyone hides who they really are behind a mask, and it’s to keep from getting hurt. But it makes it hard to really know the people you meet, to make any kind of connection.

So I’m going to make a tshirt, and I’m going to wear it! I’m no better than the other fakers really, I hide who I really am too, but I’m nearly at the point where I won’t be afraid to say it, to say

NO, I’M NOT PERFECT.
NOW GET OVER IT.

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What a week!

Well, i survived the week. For a while there I wasn’t too sure.

Sunday the main development server died, monday saw the main windows server fail, and thursday the office firewall went south for the winter.

It was a bad week for technology. Somehow everyone made it through though, and that’s important.

I went through my performance review, and I did quite well. I even got a 23K raise, which is the biggest increase I’ve ever seen in my life. It’ll come in handy later this year when I have to pay all the taxes I didn’t pay last year.

Oh well. It’s only money, and it’s only ever a problem when you don’t have it and need it.

I met someone by the way. We’ve talked a few times, and I must admit, I enjoy speaking with her. Nothing definite has come out of this, but I’m somewhat optimistic. She’s a little young, but she’s very pretty, and extremely charming. Even if nothing else comes out of it, I think I’d like her as a friend. I actually had the chance to speak with her for more than 2 minutes yesterday, and I found her to be both honest and approachable. We’ll see what the future holds though.

I was going to go to work today, but I’m not really in the mood, I don’t really need to be there, and I’m feeling somewhat less motivated. It would make monday less crazy, but I don’t mind a little crazy. I’d much rather be busy than bored!

My mom is flying up from wherever she’s been for the past 6 months to spend a few weeks with my grandfather. I haven’t mentioned it, but I know the reason why. My parents are not coming back to canada for a few years, and he’ll be dead by then. As it is, he’s very old and quite frail. I should go see him, but I do not have the courage. I’d love to give some fancy excuse, but it’s just that.

Next weekend I’m going to Vancouver to see my mom for a few hours, that should be fun. I also may get the chance to see K! THAT will be extremely cool, it’s been like a year and a half.

I’m done here, I’ll write again.

n

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The most depressing day of the year.

I saw that in the paper today. It was kind of funny. I mean, seriously, the most depressing day of the year? Now?

Hardly.

I remember thinking “If this is as bad as the year gets, I can live with that”. I hope it’s the case, I can live with this. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s not really a happy time right now, but it has been much, much worse.

I think the worst I have to face these days is loneliness. I’m still finding it really hard to meet people here. I still haven’t figured out how to turn strangers into friends. I’ve know people who can, they’re amazing, I’m secretly in awe of them.

But I can’t do it. I don’t know how. I’m awkward, like a child in his sunday best. I can’t make my face show what I’m feeling, so I think people think I don’t care.

I’ve looked in the mirror, and even the strongest feelings barely show. I can twist up my face, and then it finally looks like I’m a man with a heart not made of stone, but that feels false. It’s an effort, it’s a mask and not a mirror, and I can’t rely on my ability to make my face fake the feelings in my heart.

I’d like to say it’s something I’ll work on, that it’s not a problem, but seriously, who would I be fooling? Not me, not the people who know me. It’s become … IS a problem. I can’t seem to enjoy the company of people I admire, to tell them how important they really are to me, and how much I care.

It’s lonely.

That being said, the year has just started. I’m not quite ready to tuck myself into a ball in my closet, to wait for fairer seasons. I have dreams, and beautiful people are in them.

I think I’ll keep looking.

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Just to make things even more confusing…

Well, I think i’ll likely be stopping my old journal at
www.greenbtn.com, and starting one here. K talked me into it, and maybe
writing stuff here will mean I update it more than once a month or so.
Looking back at my old journal is weird. I’ve never been much for
writing things down, so it took me by suprise how much has changed. I
think I’m mostly the same person who wrote all those things, but I’m
not 100{99f4aabb8f9a8b7318031e7dd7e1d4d33a10ca1a288a083cef0cdea647a62112} sure.

I must admit I have to wonder what Tracy would think of me now. Would
she be suprised? Or merely indifferent? It doesn’t really matter
though, it’s been about 8 months since I heard from her last, and that
is a good thing. To be honest, it’s been a month since I thought of her
last, something about writing stuff down brings her back to mind.

Life’s good. It’s insane, but good. I’m at +3 weeks for a haircut, and
i’m feeling VERY shaggy. Hopefully I can sneak out today and bring it
back under control.

I love my job. That’s a funny thing to say, something I’ve normally
only heard in movies, but it’s so true. The people I work with are
nuts, every one of them. They work so many hours it’s terrifying, and
they’re extremely smart. I think I’d like to be more like them if/when
i grow up. 🙂

I’ve gotta run, work work work time.

I’ll add more later.

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Untitled

This has been bothering me since it happened, so I’m going to write it down here.

Yesterday I went out to get groceries. I live about 3 blocks from a Thrifty’s, so I walk there whenever I go – if for no other reason than parking is impossible in their little lot.

I was about half way there, and was passing a little park. Homeless people normally gather there, and some sit by the sidewalk to beg.

I checked my pockets, but of course I hadn’t brought any cash with me, so I had nothing to give. The light was in my eyes, and i raised a hand to block it as i walked by.

From behind me, I heard a voice say:

“It’s ok, I don’t see white people either.”

That stopped me in my tracks. It’s true, I hadn’t made eye contact with him, because I had nothing to offer, and was not looking forward to explaining that. But I wasn’t trying to be like THAT. I was angry, then I was ashamed, and I stopped and talked to him, and explained that I was not trying to be rude, I did see him, and I would see him again on my way back.

I did see him on the way back, and I gave him a little money. But his words stick with me, I can’t shake them.